


and the universe said I love you, because you are love.

by sheetz



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Game: Editor Wilbur Soot ARG, Happy Toby Smith | Tubbo, Hurt TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Lonely TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Mentioned TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), No Romance, No Smut, Panic Attacks, Platonic Relationships, Please be nice, Ranboo - Freeform, Self-Harm, Worried Toby Smith | Tubbo, everyones friends - Freeform, first fic, give tommy a hug, no romantic relationships, pain/comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-16 00:21:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29198298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sheetz/pseuds/sheetz
Summary: so much is going on... Tubbo and Tommy haven't spoken for so long and Tommy starts to wonder if its his fault.but dw :) Wilbur and Tubbo are there to help
Relationships: Ranboo & Wilbur Soot & Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit, Ranboo/Toby Smith | Tubbo/TommyInnit, Toby Smith | Tubbo & Wilbur Soot, Toby Smith | Tubbo/TommyInnit, Wilbur Soot & TommyInnit
Comments: 8
Kudos: 223





	and the universe said I love you, because you are love.

**Author's Note:**

> TW!!/self harm and panic/anxiety attacks  
> Mentions of past self harm  
> Panic attack with intention of self harm (doesn't actually happen) starting at "He's hyperventilating." and ending at "He put the box back in its spot.."
> 
> Please excuse any errors! First time writing a fic!

Tommy sat on his bed, a cold and heavy feeling in his chest as he watched his longest friends live stream. He hadn't... always been like this, right? He hadn’t always been so clingy and grabby and _too much_ that he hadn’t had a full conversation with his best friend in over 2 weeks, right? The dream smp wars and fights and plots always got in the way of things like downtime and casual conversation, just because of the lack of time after streaming or brainstorming ideas for the next stream.

But even with all that stuff going on, he and Tubbo had always made the time for each other, whether it be talking at 2 am or streaming together, they put each other high on their priorities list.

It's always been like this.. So why… Why was he so scared? Was he scared of losing tubbo? Was he scared that he couldn’t hold his own without him? Was he just being anxious for no reason?

Tommy rolled onto his side, tossing his phone to the covers that sat under him.

“Hell if I know..” he muttered under his breath, as if anyone could hear his emotion-filled voice, and draw the conclusion for him.

Tommy’s phone still played at his side, casting dim light up at the ceiling. He reached for it, hesitating like it would burn him.

Tubbo and Ranboo’s manhunt stream.

Ranboo… god that Ranboo… he just seemed so perfect. He’s closer to Tubbos age, he’s tall, he’s got a charm that doesn’t just come off as loud and annoying, causing people to turn away.

He just seems like an overall nice guy.. Is that why tubbo is spending so much more time with him? Ranboo doesn't have a streamer friend that he's had as long as Tommy and tubbo have had each other. And seeing Ranboo and Tubbo together so much just makes him think of the times they had before, where they didn't have to worry about keeping their stream persona on all the time even when it was just them doing a friendly stream together.

Was he being replaced? Did Tommy not make enough time for him and Tubbos friendship? Hes just been so exhausted… was it his fault? Was he going to loose Tubbo? Could he even handle it if he lost him? Its.. because of him isn’t it. He’s the one with the overwhelming personality. He’s the one that ruined their friendship with his shitty schedule and time management and- and…

He’s hyperventilating.

_What do I do What can I do I can’t do anything It’s all my fault I’ve lost him He’s gone and its all my fault I’ve lost him he’s gone he’s gone he’s gone_.

His eyes darted around the room. Not again not again.. He shifted his body from the curled position he had been in. I _can’t I can’t I can’t.._ He sat up, unsteady, and reached for his bedside table. _Please no please no.._ He slide out the drawer, reaching for that all too familiar tin box. _It’s all my fault It’s all my fault.._ He opened it, reaching for the blade, the light shining off of it hot enough to burn through his skin. _No no no no I cant.. I.._ can’t..

He put the box back in its spot and instead shakily stood up and walked to his desk.

He swiftly pulled up his discord, muscle memory preventing him from misclicking, and pulled up the familiar chat. It was frequently used, but never for this.

He quickly typed the new words, ‘‘can you call rn?’’

The answer came quick, with a short affirmation to start the call.

Tommys computer rang for only a few seconds before the sleepy voice chimed out,

“Hello? Tommy?’

“Hi Wilbur..”

The strength it took to make his voice sound even semi-normal made him want to sob right then, but he kept his composure for now.

“Tommy it’s so late,” the gravelly voice replied, “Are.. You okay?”

The silence felt worse than actually talking, hitting his heart cold and sharp as he struggled to get the words out. He thought it might go on forever, consuming his entire world, and he might’ve just let it, if it delayed the inevitable.

“I..” His voice cracking, making him want to end the call right then and there, “I don’t even know Wilbur.”

“Tommy..?” Wilbur said, confused, “Hey, hey Tommy breath”

Had he started panicking? He hadn’t noticed. He matched the olders exaggerated breathing, slowly composing himself, never fully.

“I-” Tommy started, “ I think I’m going to loose him.”

To Tommy's relief, Wilbur knew exactly what he meant. He hadn’t noticed anything abnormal about the seemingly inseparable pair, but put it together by how much Tommy was broken about this.

“Tommy, I don’t think you could ever lose Tubbo,” Wilbur said carefully, “You have been best friends for so long.. I just don’t think that's possible.”

“You- you don’t understand, It’s my fault. I’ve been too tired to talk to him and not make the time.. And now he’s spending so much time with Ranboo.. And I just.. I don’t know what to do,” Tommy started, unable to stop what he’s been bottling up from flowing out, “I’ve always been too clingy and annoying and _too much_ and I drive everyone away..”

When he stopped himself, knowing he couldn’t possibly express everything he was feeling (as frustrating as that was), letting what he had said sit.

Maybe if it sat there long enough, it would just decay and disappear from this world along with his worries and anxieties.

“You haven't driven me away,” Wilbur said easily, “Everyone you interact with everyday, they're still here, aren't they?”

It all seemed too easy to Tommy… wilbur had said it like it was no big deal.. But it couldn't be that easy, right? He always jokes about being clingy and annoying because he knew it was true, so why not embrace it, right? But his biggest fear was always that he wouldn’t be able to tone it down, keep people close. No matter how much he told himself that the people in his life actually care about him, he just knew it wasn’t true..

“I don’t know what you're thinking, but I know that Tubbo would never leave you. It might seem like you’ll never speak to him again or something, but he’s always going to be there for you. You don’t have to talk to him, but you know he can answer the questions you have better than you or I can.” Wilbur spoke with a calming, familiar tone. He would never admit in a million years that he’s old, but he would say that compared to Tommy, his life experiences made him seem old enough to be his dad.

“Do you.. Think you’ll be ok? Tonight I mean?”

Tommy tensed. Did he sense his complete meltdown? Did he know about what he had wanted to do just earlier? At this point, did it really matter? He was just glad that he had called wilbur instead of..

“I think I’ll be ok, “ Tommy concluded, “.. Thank you Wilbur.”

“It’s no problem Tommy. Just, don’t be afraid to call, okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Goodnight.”

“Goodnight”

Tommy shut off his computer and walked back to his bed. He laid on his back with one arm over his face, grabbing his phone to make the decision. He knew one thing for sure, if he were to call him, _he would get to talk to tubbo_. But.. did he really want to admit to himself AND tubbo the mess he’s been for the past two weeks? What would he even say?

He opened his phone and after that the discord app. He tapped Tubbos icon to message him, repeating the same to-the-point message he had sent to Wilbur.

After he sent it the wait seemed unbearable. He contemplated deleting the message at least 5 fives, wondering if this was the right decision. Just as he was about to delete the message, leaving it to the world to somehow relay the message he had been too much of a pussy to send to him himself, the ‘Tubbo_ is typing’ icon popped up, affirming the ability to call. Forever throwing away Tommy's chance to forget about it forever, let his thoughts eat away at him until he inevitably repeats the painful cycle again.

It was Tubbo that started the call this time.

Tommy let it ring.

He wanted to hear Tubbos voice so badly, not through a livestream, but talking to him. He wanted to share every single day that he hasn't spoken to him in exact detail. He wanted to hear about Tubbos life, about his parents, his sister, his streams, his- friends.. He wanted to know what was so fun about Ranboo. Not in a spiteful way, but to make sure that even when Tommy went back to being exhausted all the time, too busy to even talk to his best friend, there was someone there for Tubbo.

When he finally snapped back to reality, he answered immediately, not knowing how long he was lost in thought.

“Hey Tommy.”

“Hi Tubbo..”

His voice cracked. His fucking voice cracked. This time it couldn’t be played off. It wasn't a normal voice crack that came with talking for hours everyday, it was painfully obvious what kind of voice crack it was. He was sad. And mad. And frustrated. And anything else that could possibly describe how unbelievably shitty he was feeling. And Tubbo knew exactly what Tommy was feeling through that one fucking voice crack.

“Tommy?” Tubbo didn't need to ask his next question, knowing the answer, “are you okay?”

Tommy struggled to find the words, opening and closing his mouth multiple times.

“I miss you Tubbo. It’s all just been so impossible.. I don’t know how to tell you how I’m feeling because I don’t even know how I’m feeling. All the lore streams and wars and fights just.. I miss you,” He couldn’t stop spilling out everything he was thinking, hoping that something would make sense and explain what he’s feeling, “I don’t want to lose you because of how fucking annoying and clingy I am.. I don’t want to lose you because we don’t have time for one another.. I don’t want to lose you to Ranboo and I don’t think I can do this anymore.”

“Do.. what anymore?” Tubbo asked, bombarded with new things that he had no idea were hurting his friends so much. He prayed to any god out there that by ‘this’ he didn’t mean their friendship.

“I.. don't know.. Stream? I just dont want to feel like this anymore and it feels like these fucking streams are the reason I’m loosing you..”

“Tommy,” Tubbo said, his voice cold as ice but still scared, “You could never lose me. If I lost you I- I don’t know what I would do. I wouldn’t want to be here if you weren’t here with me. Please don’t give up on me Tommy.. I don’t know if you have to take a break or I do or we both do but I will not allow you to give up on me.”

This side of Tubbo rarely ever came out. Serious but comforting and reassuring. Tommy didn’t really want to stop streaming, he was just desperate for something, ANYTHING that could bring back what he and tubbo had.

“I.. I don’t want to stop streaming.. I just want my best friend back,” Tommy said, a wave of exhaustion rushing over him as all these things poured out of him like he had never spoken his mind before,

“Can we just, talk? For a bit? I feel like I haven’t heard your voice in ages.”

Tubbo also felt tired, all of this coming out of the blue with no warning, his senses for things being wrong not usually that strong.

“Yeah, I uh, was actually thinking about taking a break..”

“Really?”

“Yeah, at least from the serious stuff.”

“That sounds nice, actually..”

“..Listen I.. You’re not being replaced with Ranboo or anything, you know me, I wouldn’t do that. And you know him, he's a good guy! We should do some things together sometime, maybe you can get to know him better.”

“Yeah, maybe.. I just got scared. I don’t know why but just the thought of losing anyone close to me is just terrifying..”

“I get that, maybe not as much, but I understand.”

“.. I think these lore streams are really getting to me hah..”

“Yeah hah.. Me too. I know it’s always supposed to be fun, and it is, but sometimes I can get really anxious about what’s real and shit.”

They sat in silence for a good 5 minutes. The comfortable air feels familiar and nostalgic, reminding both of them of the late night calls they used to have, not playing anything, just talking about life. No stream persona, no audience watching them, no expectations. Just them. Figuring out what to say had at some point been a problem to Tommy, who later covered up unsure thoughts and feelings with confidence and volume.

Don’t get him wrong, TommyInnit was still Tommy, just.. part of him. The part that he CHOOSE to show the world.. The part he always hoped everyone liked. So when people would call his chosen persona annoying or too loud he would always embrace it. But the comments always got to him, and the specific ones about Tubbo replacing him with others always sent him into a downward spiral of “am I good enough?” and “do I deserve him?”. Tubbo was always there to prove his mind wrong when he needed it the most, and this silence always followed, covering him like a blanket and sheltering him from what his brain convinced him was the truth

“Thank you, Tubbo.”

“For what?” “Being here. Being real. No matter how unsure it gets, you’re always real.”

“You’ll always have me. Whether you like it or not.” Tubbo said in a lighthearted tone.

“Oh god haha,” Tommy chuckled, “I guess I better embrace it then”

“I guess so.”

“I’m exhausted.”

“Me too”

“Talk to you tomorrow?”

“Definitely.” Tubbo paused. “I love you Tommy.”

Tommy knew it. He felt it back. They hadn’t said it in a while, like it was an overpowered source of energy, which it kind of was. Those few words told Tommy everything he needed to know. It erased every doubt in his mind that he wasn’t good enough. Because if Tubbo loved him, then who was he to doubt it, right?

“I love you too Tubbo”

**Author's Note:**

> Tell me what you think!! This was My first time writing a fan fic and I thought I should share it! I'm open to any constructive criticism. I am in no way trying to bring harm upon any of the CCs in this fic and if my fic could potentially hurt and of the CCs or if I'm overstepping boundaries please let me know!


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